Secrets

I realized while husband has been gone this week, That I have secrets.  Not one BIG secret; but different secrets for different people.  For example, I have girlfriends that don't know certain things about me, a mother that doesn't know A LOT about me, and even husband who only knows certain things, and so on and so on.  Truly, God is the ONLY one who knows everything about me.  And rightfully so...you know, with the "I knew you before you were created" thing and all.  Other than Him, there's no human with whom I have shared all of me, in my entirety.  Fear is the motivator for that.  Fear that if my closest girlfriends knew that I struggled with things, that their opinion of me would be altered.  Fear of judgement from my mother if she knew the "everything".  Criticism would undoubtedly soon follow.  That's much of the reason why I don't tell her much of ANYTHING these days...  Generally, I know, I am the same.  Happy, smiley, loving life, with a side of "stuff".

I ran into a girl at the bank the other day who I knew from High School when I danced.  She mentioned how "entertaining" I was.  I think when people, regardless of where I know/knew them from, say the same thing about me when they hear my name.  Yes, I have things I deal with.  But no thing or secret that changes the "who" of me.  None too big for God though.  It does make me wonder about the whole fear factor.  God's word says "perfect love drives out all fear" in I John 4:18.  So what does that say about me?  Whose love is not perfect in my life?  The love I have for God? for myself? for my loved ones who I'm afraid to share the real me?  Why am I so afraid of complete transparency?

I guess most of these questions won't be answered this side of eternity, but it sure gives me something to work on.  Daily.  Okay, maybe hourly.

Kickin and Screamin

I have resisted the blog world for a long time.  As you can tell I created this blog in August.  I'm not convinced a blog is for me.  I love the idea of it.  The chance to have complete anonymity excites me.  The idea of telling people I have a blog...isn't happening.  It's like having yourself completely naked at a 4 way intersection in town and inviting people to come see.  I'm not sure I'm ready for that.  And I'm positive the world isn't!  I need a place I can truly be transparent without fear of judgement.  But really what do I care what people think of me?  I think what people think of and about me much more than they really do.  Case in point.  I took my nose ring out.  I was ready to field the barrage of questions as to "why" and "when"?  You know what happened?  Nothin.  My  mom noticed.  My dad, praised the Lord.  Here's what I discovered.  Nobody cares!  And I'm okay with that!
Another reason I'm reluctant is because I'm an old soul.  I love paper and pen.  I love the idea of sitting down and quickly scrawling out my thoughts.  I do this often, but not often enough.  Time is my sworn enemy.  I type a lot faster than I write.  And considering my fingers often can't keep up with my brain...a blog may be a good fit.  So, we'll give it a go.