Checked mail

That is exactly what God has done to me the other night. Have you ever sat under a preacher and felt fairly confident that a) you were the only one in the room or b)That the one speaking had literally just read your journal. I felt both of those tonight. I was weepy the whole time. Mainly because praise and worship, my absolute favorite thing, was so powerful. I'm so thankful for those precious times of worship.

 I think part of the reason I was so weepy was because I've felt like lunch meat lately. And not the really expensive types that are like 9.99 pound with fancy herb types all rubbed in them, but more like chopped ham or souse. Yeah, more like souse. All the leftover nasty parts that are so gross. :-D  I mean, who really eats that crap?!  I feel like the past few months have been a series of screw ups and wanderings.  No big sin; just nagging, small ones that keep me from the full throttle adventure that I know God has for me.  Ones that I can NOT seem to kick no matter what.  Ugh.  So after days of particular melancholy moods, I said to myself, "Self...enough is enough.  Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and MOVE ON!"  Sometimes that works.  I'm hoping this is one of those times. 

SO.  I need a plan.  What could that plan be...I've been reading Elizabeth George's "Loving God With All Your Mind" and I read something just the other day that struck me.  That Christ commands us in Philippians 4:8  "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."  If I'm to get control over my thoughts, I need to measure every thought up to this yard stick. Is what I'm thinking, no matter how pleasurable or outlandish, is it REAL?  What happened to me 15 years ago, regardless of how I wish the outcome were different, isn't real.  My life didn't turn out that way.  What is real is that I'm married to J with 3 kids.  No matter how I wish some facets of life were different, whether it be for me or others in my circle, NOW is what is real.

The lady I heard preach the other day that moved me so talked about women being gullible, us being and raising a generation of starving Christians, and not being fully furnished spiritually.  I don't want to look back on my life and be ANY of those things.  But, I'm afraid that is exactly where I am.  So, let Operation Checked Mail commence!

2012 Book List

Every year the fam and I set goals for the new year.  I also set a book list of books I want to read.  I enjoy the accountability of a list.  I'm a list nerd.  I admit it...
I tend to gravitate toward fiction; non-fiction seems so painful to me at times...but I have added some to my list. 


Non-Fiction
Have a New Kid by Friday 12/12
11 Secrets to Getting Published 2/12
Fox's Book of Martyrs
Heaven at Home 1/12
Made to Crave
Letters from Lillian
Kisses from Katie
Loving God With All Your Mind 10/12
Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches 9/12
Fiction
Screwtape Letters
I Still Dream About You 10/12
Fly Away Home
The Glass Castle
A Northern Light 4/12
The Shack (re-read) 3/12
The Best of Me (re-read)
 The Line 3/12
The Invention of Hugo Cabret 3/12
Freak the Mighty 10/12
Michael Vey Prisoner of Cell 25 11/12

Karen Kingsbury Books:
Loving 4/12
Ever After 6/12
Even Now5/12
Where Yesterday Lives
Coming Home (I'm not sure if I'll read this one or not...I love her books, but one thing that bugs me is all the re-telling she does for the people who haven't read the particular series that books is apart of.  I have skipped chapters of her books because of the repetition.  I read reviews on this one and from what I've read 3/4 of the book is a recap of the 15 Baxter books before it.  I was bummed out.)

Well my book list was quite the disappointment. I don't really have a reason as to why I didn't complete my list...I just didn't. Very unusual for me.  But I promised myself that I wouldn't beat myself up over it. Just try again in 2013!  No. Big.

Sad

That's all I can say to describe how I feel now.  I just had a student come in and have me sign a withdrawal form.  Apparently he's moving schools and he needed me to sign off that he didn't have any Library fines.  I have had this boy in my Literacy class since January and had developed a fondness to him.  He had big blue eyes and a tough exterior, but I could feel that he had a heart full of burden.  He got in trouble a lot, struggled with school, and seemed to just be along for the ride.  I always tried to show kindness to him even though he had a special gift of driving me crazy...Even though he'd been in the office for the past 1.5 weeks for bad behavior and I hadn't had him in class, I still counted him as "one of mine".  Anyhow, he handed me the paper and I asked him where he was going and why.  I found out that he had been in foster care and was leaving that placement to move into his cousins house.  I not only had NO idea that he was in foster care, but also didn't know that he was there because his biological parents had a severe drug problem.  So much so that they couldn't take care of their 13 year old son.  Their 13 year old son who so desperately needed them.  No wonder he struggled with school so much...and had an unhealthy outlook on girls in his class...and didn't behave in school...he had no one.  He didn't care because he didn't feel cared for. 

This school is full of little kids in big bodies.  Little ones who used to be rocked by their mothers and sung over and prayed for.  Hopefully they still are.  Some of them may have never experienced any of that.  That makes me so sad.  They all walk around acting so mature yet are still so immature.  They act so big and tough, yet their feelings are laying on their sleeve. 

Who knows if anyone has ever told him how much God loves him?  That even though he didn't feel it from any adult in his life, that Jesus swoons over him.  While I'm in the middle of my "Mothers of Sons" 21 Prayer Challenge, I'm thinking I've just encountered another "son" to add to my prayer list.

Kindness...keep 'er comin'!

Since I exposed my toxic pattern of freaking out on the boys, I went into Sunday with a little more confidence. Guess what? Sunday was smooth as silk! Thank ya Jesus!

Monday-we went to our favorite ice cream place, Cold Stone Creamery. I hadn't mentioned anything about it, so it was a real big surprise when we got there!

Tuesday-It was bedtime. We keep hearing footsteps upstairs. We're trying to watch DVR'd shows that are 2-3 weeks old. I gently answered the boys after they came downstairs for the 5th time. Just can't get enough of ol maw and paw!

Wednesday--A lot of people in my circle are experiencing graduation and I've felt myself be especially weepy here lately. So here lately I've been taking time to sit back and be still. Especially in the arena of the boys. I have been standing back and just watching them...as if I were a stranger. I'll notice things about them, enjoy them, and try to soak up every small moment I can.

Thursday-to say that M inherited J'a attitude towards the morning is the understatement of the century. He is NOT a morning person. This morning M was getting short with me about missing the bus. He kept insisting he would and I was ensuring him he wouldn't. I didn't tie his shoe right, his socks were too tight, he wanted to see the still sleeping P, blah blah blah. All within about 3 minutes. My first reaction: put duct tape over his mouth. My eventual reaction: being as super gooey as I could and speaking encouragement and blessing. It's gonna be a great day!

Friday-seeing an awake (and smiling) face when I got home from the gym this morning before school. Nothing short of miraculous! I feel that I can't tell him enough how proud I am of him.

21 days of Prayer for da boys.

I learned from a tweet of a friend of mine about a prayer challenge to pray for our boys everyday for 21 days. Each of those days had a special designation and specific scripture to pray over them. This has been a great way to focus on characteristics that I want to see manifested in our boys. You can follow me on twitter @teambanks5 to see my pictorial posts. The prayer focus from each day are listed below and be sure to check out the 21 day prayer challenge!

Day 1-Heart Change
Day 2-Obediance
Day 3-Submission to Authority
Day 4-Integrity
Day 5-Avoiding Foolishness
Day 6-Pride
Day 7-Purity
Day 8-A Servants Heart
Day 9-Honor
Day 10-Love
Day 11-Joy
Day 12-Peace
Day 13-Patience
Day 14-Kindness
Day 15-Goodness
Day 16-Faithfulness
Day 17-Gentleness
Day 18-Self Control
Day 19-Anger
Day 20-Salvation
Day 21-Honesty/Humility

Crafty McCrafts Alot

In January I decided to tackle a family message board made of chalkboard paint.  Then I added initial hooks to hang all our stuff on. So far it has worked out really well!

I have always wanted to do something neat to display family pictures.  We have really tall walls leading down into the basement.  Presto!  My inspiration!  For February, I started my photo wall extravaganza!  I can't wait to add more pictures to it!







March brought P's birthday and the perfect time to make this wonderful birthday wreath.  It took a butt load of balloons, but it was super fun to make.  Making that wreath inspired me to make a wreath for Miss P's door.  So, March was a two-fer!

April held my biggest project yet.  J and I, out of sheer curiosity, peeked under the stairs leading downstairs and saw that underneath the carpet was hardwood!  So, I yanked that puppy up, plucked out every staple, and drug it all to the curb!  I then sanded and cleaned the stairs.  I got one coat of black paint on the stairs.  So this one will be finished in May.

Door before

So even though last month's stair project bled over into May, me being the legalist one that I am didn't want May to pass without me starting and finishing a new project.

Door after
 Even Miss Watermelon loves it!

June brought another Pinterest project, a bathroom organizer.

July, Reagan and I tackled homemade laundry soap.

August and September I made a Russell wreath. Not sure how much I even like it!  But to Redeem the fact that it took me 2 months to make a silly wreath, I made a BOO door hanger, and a pumpkin centerpiece.

 October I made a Link shield for Max's Halloween costume.

November I painted the bathroom.

December I finally finished the Russell wreath (still don't even know if I like it) and in about 2 hours I started and finished a candy cane wreath. Not bad.

Kindness Continued...

I'm seeing a sad pattern develop in my life.  Sundays are the day that I freak out on my children.  I didn't see this until I started this kindness challenge and became more aware of how I treat my kids.  But the first step to recovery is admission, right?  "Hi my name is Jill and I go psycho on one of my children on Sundays.  Praise God, let's go to church!"  Anyway, after another day where I apologize to my kids and say, "M, you know how mommy says that it's okay to get angry, but not okay to sin (scream, hit, be disrespectful, etc)? Well, I have to work on that too.  It's okay for me to be mad at you, but not okay for me to yell at you.  And I'm sorry."  Sadly, I'm getting too used that that!  Anyway, devil be gone!  You will not affect me anymore when it comes to my emotions and the way I handle my boys!  Speaking of boys, I'm starting this TOTALLY cool challenge for the next 21 days to pray for my boys.  Check it out here at 21 day boy prayer challenge.  I'm super excited about my prayer life directly affecting the current and future lives of my boys.  Anyhoo, here's how the week went...

Monday--M had an orchestra concert (he plays the viola...shocked the pants off of me!  But he stuck with it!) at the Paramount.  I wanted to get him a little something, as a congratulations present because most of the girls get bouquets of flowers.  I sure didn't want him left out.  So, knowing he wouldn't appreciate a armful of daisies, I opted for a Game Stop gift card.  He was so excited and grateful!  Who knew he had it in him!  I usually wouldn't do anything like that because I complain all the time that he has too much and they're limited to gifts for Christmas and birthdays.  But, I wanted him to feel special...so here we are...

Tuesday--on our way home from school R and I came across a snake in the road.  He was BEYOND excited.  We dispatched for pap's help and R summoned the neighbors.  He was giddy with adventure as he and the "big boys" tried to catch the snake with a hoe and leather gloves.  Lord, you would've thought they were trapping a rattlesnake or a bald eagle!  R was giving orders and identifying the snake like he was The Crocodile Hunter (RIP Steve Irwin) when finally they decided the snake's fate and let him loose in the woods.  Once we got home and our brush with death had worn down, R decided he needed to "protect the hill from more snakes."  So naturally he gets his blue rubber snake out of the bathtub and sits outside waiting on more to arrive.  Thankfully, word must of spread to stay away, because none showed up.

Wednesday--I encouraged J to take R on a house wash estimate after he picked him up from school today. R loves nothing more than to spend "big boy/daddy" stuff with J. I'm so glad J was good with it!

Thursday--was R's birthday and the whole day was devoted to him. At one point during the party, I turned around to see M and one of his friends. Instead of getting on to him for inviting someone without asking I just rolled with the punches and welcomed him.

Friday--was an early release day so M spent half the day with me while I was in meetings. I let him rule the school with another teacher's son. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.

Kill 'em with Kindness

Shew, thank God I'm taking the weekends off of "intentionally being kind" because man, it's rough!  I blew my top on Sunday once and actually had to ask for forgiveness from the boys.  I'm hoping that instead of them needing counseling later in life, that they'll reflect back and say, "Wow, mom, she wasn't perfect, but she knew when she screwed up and she apologized to us.  Even though we were just little kids.  Wow, her modeling forgiveness to me...well, it's just...life changing."  Hmm...I like that.  A mom can dream, right?  Anyhoo, here's how we're starting off so far...

Monday--R found these Rainbow Brite/Punky Brewster sunglasses that for some crazy reason my mom STILL had from when I was 8.  Go figure.  She has trouble letting go--oh God, don't EVEN get me started on that one!  I told M that when I was his age I used to wear different colored jellies.  Like a purple one on the right foot and a pink one on the left.  Yes, even then, I was a trend setter!

Tuesday-we are in the midst of making a tough decision that will impact M big time. He was emotionally pleading his case and instead of interrupting him (like I so typically do) I let him go. (I think he'll be a great attorney one day...let's get through primary school first though.)

Wednesday--Today was M's track and field day. I had a class to teach during his events and he was disappointed that I had to leave so I scrapped my lesson plans and took my 7th graders over to the track to cheer M and his class on.He was over the moon to see all the big kids there!!!

Thursday--I tickled M.  At first he thought, "mom, come on...I'm too cool for this!"  But I loosened him up and he about peed his pants laughing!

Friday--I worked out this morning!  Went to the gym and worked out!  I.  Felt.  Amazing.  But to keep my sanity, knowing I had to come back home and still get M and P ready, I dressed M before I left and left him for dead!  What a wonderful idea you may be saying!  I KNOW!  It was so smooth walking it to a fully dressed lad.  It definitely made our morning run smooth as silk.  Now I just have to break the news to him that the little boy who was supposed to spend the night won't be able to.  Sheesh.  I can't catch a break.  Thank God it's the weekend and my "kindness" is taking a couple days off.  Just kidding.  Not really.  :-D

Freedom

So J went to Haiti in March and someone on the team snapped a picture that I LOVE.  These women are SO beautiful.  They are so happy.  They look truly free.  They are dancing in the Lord.  They have nothing.  But they have more than me.  They are poor, yet rich.  I am jealous of them.  I love them.  And I can't wait to meet them one day.

Kickoff to Kindness

My main goal for this year was to "make an effort."  In everything I do.  Make an effort.  Instead of telling the boys, "Wait a minute", I'll go right then.  As soon as I think about doing push ups, I stop right then and there and do them.  When I walk by the sinkful of dirty dishes, I unload the dishwasher and load it back up.  Make an effort with the Lord, J, all my kids, my job...wow, lots of people/things pull from me.
Here we go...

Monday-I didn't get up tight with M on the way to school. We actually goofed and laughed big time!! Very refreshing!

Tuesday--I thanked him for talking so kindly to R. A HUGE deal for M!

Wednesday--we talked about our favorite colors. I told him mine was blue because that was the color of his eyes.

Thursday--I told him I loved him to the moon and back. And because he's now a huge "Legend of Zelda" fan he threw in "the moon on Majero?". Yes son. Whatever the heck that is...

Friday--we played out in the yard.  All of us.  Well, P was in lock down in her car seat with the door open, but only because she kept eating the bushes.  *note to self, ask ped about vitamin deficiency...Anyway, the boys got frisbees in their Easter baskets and we had THE best time playing.

Great kick off if I do say so myself!

I'll have a bottle of water please...hold the lemon

I was drinking one of my 42 bottles of water that I literally have to force myself to drink.  I HATE drinking water.  My body screams for a citrus-y sip of Dt. Mountain Dew.  Water is so boring.  So bland.  But since I gave up pop on December 31st at 11:59, I have promised not to go back. 

One day I took a drink of water and something hit me: I don't realize how thirsty I am until I take that first drink of water.  It's not until I'm 5 big gulps in that I'm thinking, "holy smokies, I was so thirsty!"  I think I'm the same way with the Lord.  Especially during praise and worship.  I don't realize how thirsty I am for God until I get into praise and worship.  It's totally my favorite time of church.  I love the word, don't get me wrong, but there is something so intimate about worship.  It's just me and Jesus.  Packed sanctuary or not.  But that's how I feel while drinking water.  Praise and worship, spending time with the Lord, is my bottle of water.  I can feel the last song getting ready to close and I want more.  I want to signal the praise and worship leader and say, "C'mon!  Please, just one more!"  All good things must come to an end I guess.  It makes me look forward to the next time.  When I get in, take a sip, and keep drinking because I didn't realize how thirsty I was.

The Land of Laziness...I am it's Queen.

We took the kids to a science museum over Spring Break and I got a HUGE revelation.  I am a lazy parent.  Not one who lies on the couch, watching tv and eating the proverbial bon bon...but when it comes to my kids and interacting with them; I'm SO lazy.  Unintentional.  I learned this when we visited the Kidspace area of the museum.  There were children and parents EVERYWHERE.  As P was toddling everywhere, M was locked in the "big kids area" and R was stomping over pirate ships, all I could think was, "I wish I could sit down somewhere."  As I'm feeling sorry for myself, I see mom #1 having a puppet show with her little girl, dad #2 having a pretend sword fight with his son, mom #3 sprawled in the floor building a block tower.  Hmmm, me, not so much.  God checked me.  Let the revelating begin.

So when I got home I came across a link on Pinterest from a lady named Alissa from  "Creative with Kids" and she was issuing a challenge for "showing kindness to your kids."  When I first saw this, I thought, "I'm kind to my kids...this won't be hard."  Then I read the ideas.  Yikes.  Some of those required a lot of me.  Maybe I'll skip that one.  The boys won't care about that one... then I thought to myself, "Self, the children won't look back on their lives with me and think, 'Boy I sure am glad mom did so much laundry and took so much time picking up the crap we left ALL over the house...that meant so much to me.'  Nope they'll probably do what I am now thinking, 'I know my mom loved me, she sacrificed a lot for me, but she never played with me.'  I don't care if they think I was a cool, fun mom, but I do care that their memories were of me spending time with them.  And if I keep on the track I'm on now, it ain't a happenin.

I printed off the 100 suggestions and I'm determined to NOT let this new challenge to die on the road to Hell paved with good intentions.  Not only am I the Queen of Lazy Land, but I am also Queen Inconsistancy.  I start with tee-riffic ideas but usually by day 4, it's at the bottom of the God knows where.

I'm starting Monday.  I'm doing this.  I want kindess from my children, so I'm going to sow it into them. I want activity from M, because quite frankly, his pupils are so big from vegging out in the dark basement playing video games and his skin SO white from lack of Vitamin D exposure...is it any wonder?  It's because I don't model it.  I have so many important things to do, like *gasp* load the dishwasher!   This will be my accountability.  I will log each thing I do here as a reminder to myself the law of sowing and reaping.

Here we go!

Secrets

I realized while husband has been gone this week, That I have secrets.  Not one BIG secret; but different secrets for different people.  For example, I have girlfriends that don't know certain things about me, a mother that doesn't know A LOT about me, and even husband who only knows certain things, and so on and so on.  Truly, God is the ONLY one who knows everything about me.  And rightfully so...you know, with the "I knew you before you were created" thing and all.  Other than Him, there's no human with whom I have shared all of me, in my entirety.  Fear is the motivator for that.  Fear that if my closest girlfriends knew that I struggled with things, that their opinion of me would be altered.  Fear of judgement from my mother if she knew the "everything".  Criticism would undoubtedly soon follow.  That's much of the reason why I don't tell her much of ANYTHING these days...  Generally, I know, I am the same.  Happy, smiley, loving life, with a side of "stuff".

I ran into a girl at the bank the other day who I knew from High School when I danced.  She mentioned how "entertaining" I was.  I think when people, regardless of where I know/knew them from, say the same thing about me when they hear my name.  Yes, I have things I deal with.  But no thing or secret that changes the "who" of me.  None too big for God though.  It does make me wonder about the whole fear factor.  God's word says "perfect love drives out all fear" in I John 4:18.  So what does that say about me?  Whose love is not perfect in my life?  The love I have for God? for myself? for my loved ones who I'm afraid to share the real me?  Why am I so afraid of complete transparency?

I guess most of these questions won't be answered this side of eternity, but it sure gives me something to work on.  Daily.  Okay, maybe hourly.

Kickin and Screamin

I have resisted the blog world for a long time.  As you can tell I created this blog in August.  I'm not convinced a blog is for me.  I love the idea of it.  The chance to have complete anonymity excites me.  The idea of telling people I have a blog...isn't happening.  It's like having yourself completely naked at a 4 way intersection in town and inviting people to come see.  I'm not sure I'm ready for that.  And I'm positive the world isn't!  I need a place I can truly be transparent without fear of judgement.  But really what do I care what people think of me?  I think what people think of and about me much more than they really do.  Case in point.  I took my nose ring out.  I was ready to field the barrage of questions as to "why" and "when"?  You know what happened?  Nothin.  My  mom noticed.  My dad, praised the Lord.  Here's what I discovered.  Nobody cares!  And I'm okay with that!
Another reason I'm reluctant is because I'm an old soul.  I love paper and pen.  I love the idea of sitting down and quickly scrawling out my thoughts.  I do this often, but not often enough.  Time is my sworn enemy.  I type a lot faster than I write.  And considering my fingers often can't keep up with my brain...a blog may be a good fit.  So, we'll give it a go.